I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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