Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
