That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
