he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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