Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
