just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
