upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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