She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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