bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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