sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
