NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
