Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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