duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
