i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
