she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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