You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
