Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
