and you said cock pushups were impossible
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
