Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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