goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
