Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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