forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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