you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
