Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
How naked do you want me to be?
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