I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I need a beard to bite.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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