just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
