soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
