There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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