I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
