Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
