Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
