Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
