i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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