I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
