woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
