Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
