I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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