Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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