Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
