just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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