Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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