I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He? As in you personified your dick?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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