At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
