Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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