A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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