Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
