You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
