Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
