she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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