My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So vagazzling was a success
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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