if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
