love makes seman taste better
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Floor bacon is actually really good
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
