How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
