cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
